


Douche Canoe

by avatarofourown



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Swearing, who knows what will happen tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 14:26:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4832585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avatarofourown/pseuds/avatarofourown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Douche canoe.”<br/>“Ass cactus.”<br/>Scorpius Malfoy and Albus Potter were long-term enemies. They hated each other from the moment they stepped onboard the big red train to Magicville (that’s the Hogwarts express, if you were unsure). One could even say that they emerged from the womb despising one another. It was just in their blood. Potters hated Malfoys- no matter how many times Albus’ dad asserted that he no longer fostered the hefty grudge against Scorpius’ father that he held in his youth. Albus hated Scorpius. Scorpius hated Albus. It was just how things were.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Off with his head

Scorpius Malfoy and Albus Potter were long-term enemies. They hated each other from the moment they stepped on board the big red train to Magicville (that’s the Hogwarts express, if you were unsure). One could even say that they emerged from the womb despising one another. It was just in their blood. Potters hated Malfoys- no matter how many times Albus’ dad asserted that he no longer fostered the hefty grudge against Scorpius’ father that he held in his youth. Albus hated Scorpius. Scorpius hated Albus. It was just how things were.  
“But why? I don’t get it.” Rose Weasley asked as she and Albus meandered in the direction of the Slytherin Common Room. “You can’t hate him just because his Dad was a dick in school.”  
Albus gritted his teeth as they turned the corner into a corridor full of students leaving classes. “It’s not just that.” he insisted, “He has this face he does, when something displeases him- it looks like Queen Victoria just before she says “off with his head!” or some shit.”  
Rose laughed. “Queen Victoria said “We are not amused” not “Off with his head”, dumbass…”  
Albus scratched his (still attached) head. “Who said “Off with his head” then?”  
“I think you’ll find,” Nearly-Headless Nick butted in as he sped past, “that it was the Queen of Hearts that did the beheading.” He swished off through a few first years, who gave a collective shiver.  
“Of course he knows. He’s literally been beheaded.”  
“You could say,” Rose’s lips curled into a smirk. “He’s behead of the game…”  
Albus gave a deep sigh as they descended the stairs to the dungeons. “I hate you.”  
  
*  
  
“Why are going to the Common Room again?”  
“I need to get my… scarf.”  
Scorpius was snuggled up on one of the armchairs in the Slytherin Common Room with a book when Albus and Rose burst in. Scorpius regarded Albus disdainfully. Albus glanced at him contemptuously.  
“Douche canoe.”  
“Ass cactus.”  
It was a sort of game they had. Ever since their first day at Hogwarts when they had the misfortune of being sorted into the same house, they had taken to insulting one another every time they came into contact. Who started it? They didn’t even know. It had begun, as so many things do, rather innocently- “idiot” or “loser” thrown across the Quidditch pitch. But as they had got older, things got a little ruder and they silently agreed to restrict their insults to the Common Room. It went the same every day. Scorpius would be sitting in the common room. Albus would bluster in. They would exchange insults. And then they would go their separate ways.  
  
*  
  
It was that Saturday when Albus and Rose entered the Common Room after the Gryffindor-Slytherin Quidditch Match. Gryffindor had won, which naturally meant there would be a party. Guess who was invited (and who wasn’t).  
“Son of a banshee.”  
“Voldemort’s nipple.”  
Rose paused before making her way up to the girl’s dormitory. “I might be a while, Al- wait for me, will you?”  
Albus shrugged. “Yeah, sure, I guess.”  
Rose smiled and ran up the stairs, leaving Albus and Scorpius. Alone.  
Albus sat down on the couch as far away from Scorpius as possible. He sat. He fidgeted a bit. Scorpius kept reading.  
“So, good match, wasn’t it?”  
Scorpius looked up, eyebrows raised. “Why are you talking to me?”  
Albus gave an exaggerated sigh. A look-how-stupid-this-idiot-is sigh. “Because I’m bored, Malfoy. Haven’t you ever been bored?”  
“I live at Malfoy Manor.” Scorpius mumbled, going back to his book. “Of course I’ve bloody been bored.”  
“Alright-“ the Potter boy glanced at Scorpius surreptitiously, “Bent trading card.”  
The blonde boy didn’t even look up from his book. “Canker blossom.”  
Albus snorted. “Ferret.”  
“Gastrically-challenged goat.”  
“Pickle-eater.”  
“Kitten murderer.”  
“Deatheater.”  
There was a smacking sound as Scorpius’ book landed on the floor. He did not meet Albus’ eye as he picked up his book, and walked out of the Common Room.  
Albus was silent for a moment.  
“Oh Al…” Rose must have walked in just in time to hear the final insult being thrown.  
“What??” the boy snapped, indignance emblazoned on his face, “It’s just a joke! And it’s not like it isn’t true!”  
“Albus Severus Potter,” Al winced at the sound of his full name. “That boy never even met Voldemort. Do you like it when people want to be friends with you for your parents?”  
“Well, no, but that’s different!”  
“You’re right, it is different.” Rose ran a hand through her wild ginger hair. “You have spent your entire life with people fawning over you- The Great Harry Potter’s son. Scorpius has spent every day with the exact opposite. People crossing the street as he walks by, mutterings in the corridors about him and his evil family… Haven’t you noticed that he spends all his time in here, on his own?”  
Albus just stared at her, his mouth agape, as if there had once been an argument on the tip of his tongue, but it had long since drifted off.  
Rose exhaled, smiling sadly. “You still want to go to this party? I didn’t just leave you here so you could piss off Scorpius, y’know.”  
Albus went to the party that night. But he couldn’t shake this feeling that he had made a complete ass of himself.  
  
*  
  
“Um, Rose? I’m gonna stay behind. I need to ask Professor Dragtre about the Potions essay.”  
It was the end of a rather gruelling NEWT potions lesson and most of the students stampeded out, the moment class was dismissed. But Albus hung around, packing his bag so slowly one might think he had been half stupefied, until the only people left in the classroom were Albus, Rose, the professor and Scorpius Malfoy.  
Rose stopped at the door, glancing at Albus, then at Scorpius. “You want me to wait?”  
“Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ll meet you in the Great Hall.”  
And Rose left, leaving Scorpius and Albus alone… again.  
(The Professor, being an absentminded fellow, had drifted off into a storeroom for reasons no one could know but him- and even that was questionable.)  
Albus stared at the desk in front of him and cleared his throat anxiously. “Um, Scorpius?”  
There was no reply.  
“I’m sorry for what I said the other day, I- I didn’t mean it, I swear.”  
“Oh don’t worry about it, dear boy, it’s no problem at all.”  
Albus looked up, confused, to see Professor Dragtre bumbling around the front desk. “Honestly a young lad like you shouldn’t be getting worked up by such things. In my day…”  
Scorpius was gone.  
  
*  
  
Albus slipped silently out of the Potions Room, hoping that the Professor would forget he had even been there before he noticed he was gone. The hallways of the dungeon were still. All the hustle and bustle of the Hogwarts Alumni had been temporarily moved to the Great Hall for dinner.  
He was almost at the staircase when the stillness was broken.  
Grunting. Quiet voices with aggressive tones. Coming from his left.  
Albus inched towards the sounds, staying close to the wall. He scrunched up his face as he strained to hear what the voices were saying.  
“Scum”  
“Murderer.”  
“Deatheater piece of shit.”  
Albus stopped, a breath catching in his throat.  
“Shit.”  
“What the fuck was that?” one of the voices said, louder. Argumentative noises. Before Albus had time to hide, three boys came hurtling into him.  
One of them rounded on him. “Oi what you think you’re-” and then the boy looked up and clapped eyes on who he was talking to. “Ah shit, sorry Albus, I didn’t mean to run into you or nothin’.” Albus knew this boy. He was on his brother’s Quidditch team- short guy, but he could really whack a bludger. His name was Callum. 

His fists were pink.


	2. Chapter 2

He laughed, clapping the boy on the shoulder. “See you on the Quidditch pitch, sport.” Albus Potter had never called anyone “sport” in his life. But he had a feeling what was around that corner.  
“Oh, shit.” Albus said as he saw the boy, crumpled on the floor. “Shit shit shit.”  
He didn’t stir.  
“Scorpius?” Al crouched down beside him, trying to see his face. “Scorpius I need to see what they did to you.”  
He shifted with a groan, uncurling as if every movement caused him pain.

Albus ran.

*

Scorpius was in the hospital wing for two days. Albus had run into Professor Longbottom, and he had somehow managed to get the words out.  
“Malfoy…hurt…need…madame pomfrey…”  
It was a tough two days for Albus. Pacing in the dormitory, visiting the hospital wing only to be turned away, spending far too much time in the Slytherin Common Room. Rose kept looking at him funny.  
On the second day, he snapped.  
He and Rose were walking to the next lesson when Albus laid eyes on them. It was the first time he had seen the boys since they had collided two days before, and when he caught sight of him, sauntering down the hallway, hands stuffed in his pockets- the same hands that had punched, again and again, until hospitalisation was necessary…   
It was enough to make anyone break.  
There were gasps as Albus Potter slammed Callum Creevey against the wall. What was he doing? This wasn’t like Albus- good, kind Albus, who didn’t get into fights, who was too good for Slytherin house, who took the house of the bad and the mad and made it the house of the hella rad (his brother’s words). Albus Potter didn’t slam boys against walls. Especially not Quidditch-playing, House-Cup-winning, Gryffindor boys.  
“Listen very fucking closely, asshole.” he muttered, just loud enough for the wide-eyed boy to hear. “You stay away from him. You don’t talk to him. You don’t look at him. And I swear, if you ever lay a finger on him again, I will end you.” The boy blinked. “You got that?”   
He nodded.  
Albus let out a burst of laughter. “Stop shaking, Cal, I’m only playing!” he said loudly.  
The boy tittered nervously and the onlookers broke into relieved laughter. He was only messing around! Albus Potter was finally following in his brother’s footsteps.  
But those with sharper eyes might notice that the Potter boy’s hand was still gripping Callum’s shoulder. Tight.

*

“I heard he threw a book at Albus Potter and Al punched him.”  
“Nah, he tried some evil spell and hurt himself.”  
“What are you going on about? He tried to kiss a Gryffindor and she attacked him.”  
These whispers followed Scorpius Malfoy everywhere for the next few days. He seemed to be completely healed, but he walked slowly, head down, expression neutral. He stopped reading in the Common Room. He avoided Albus like he was carrying some sort of repugnant disease. Whatever character Scorpius had had before was gone.  
Eventually Albus stopped looking.

*

“Al? I need to talk to you. Now.”  
It was a week after Malfoy had left the Hospital Wing and Albus was eating dinner at the Gryffindor table with his brother when Rose came to see him.   
“Can it wait?” Albus mumbled through a mouthful of dessert.  
He was walking down the hall before he had chance to swallow.  
“So what is it?”  
“Not here.” Rose hissed, pulling the boy along until they got to the girl’s bathrooms.  
“Aw, Rose, not this again. She’ll never leave me al- Oh hello Myrtle!”  
The ghost girl swooped down on them, her usual tears not halting as she wailed, “Oh hello Harry. I’m so happy to see you.”   
“You don’t look it.” he muttered, but Rose gave him a sharp elbow in the ribs. “I mean, um, I’m actually Albus, Myrtle.”  
Myrtle tilted her head to the side. “Where are your glasses, Harry? You look silly without them…”  
“Never mind.” he grunted, pulling Rose to the other side of the sinks. “What do you want?”  
Rose studied him for a moment before speaking. “You’re not yourself.”  
Albus sighed, “For the last time, I’m fine! You can stop worrying about me, I’m great.” He flashed her a smile and turned to leave.  
“No, you’re not!” Rose grabbed his arm and spun him around. “You’re eating at the Gryffindor table every day. You spend all your time moping around in the Common Room and yesterday I made an excellent pun and you didn’t even tell me you hated me!”  
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Rose, just because I didn’t appreciate your bloody pun-“  
“This isn’t about a pun. This is about you torturing yourself over Scorpius.”  
He looked up, surprised. “I’m not-“  
He was interrupted by a howl from Myrtle’s toilet.  
Rose gaze was dripping with pity and concern. “Yes,” she said when the howl quieted, “You are.”  
Albus deflated, as if all the anger and denial suddenly drained out of him. He leant against the bathroom wall and closed his eyes. “It’s my fault. If I had got there sooner, if I hadn’t made my hatred towards him so public, if I had-“  
“Stop.”  
He opened his eyes and stared at the mould on the ceiling. “Why should I? It’s true. And god, I still hate him a little bit. That’s the worst thing.” The boy shook his head. “He just laid there, Rose. He just laid there and took it. Who does that?”  
“A boy who’s spent his entire life being beaten down. A boy who’s learnt that lying down and taking it is much easier than the alternative.” The girl raised a hand as if to push it through her hair but, remembering she’d tied it up, dropped it limply to her side.  
“Wait,” Albus stood up straight, eying his cousin suspiciously. “How do you know all this about Scorpius? I don’t get it. You don’t even know him.”  
Rose gave a disbelieving laugh. “Seriously? You haven’t noticed? He’s been everywhere we go for the past five years! Why did you think you had to look up extra insults in second year because you’d already used up your entire vocabulary? We see him five times a day for Merlin’s sake.”  
Albus hadn’t noticed.  
“Al, I love you, but you need to get your shit together.” She gave him a tired smile. “I miss you.”  
And then she walked out, leaving Albus with a brain full of confused thoughts and an earful of a ghost girl’s weeping.

*

The next week was a pretty miserable one- for Albus, at least. Rose wasn’t talking to him. Scorpius wasn’t insulting him. At least the murmurings about the aforementioned Malfoy had quieted to an almost inaudible whisper (supposedly thanks to a certain unnamed Gryffindor). Of course, Albus wasn’t alone. The son of Harry Potter was never alone. Didn’t mean he was happy though. Not only was he unexplainably miserable, he had also started hearing things. Every evening, should he venture outside the dormitory (which he often did, with the help of his Dad’s trusty cloak), his ears would prick up at the sound of sobbing. Moaning Myrtle, you guess? You’d think so, but this didn’t sound like Myrtle’s moans. In fact, it sounded like a boy.  
So, one night, Albus decided to investigate.  
He followed the crying sounds through the castle, sidestepping Mrs Norris a few times (a skill he had perfected a long time ago). Finally, he reached the seventh floor, an area he hadn’t yet explored. There was a door.  
The Potter boy must have stood there for five minutes, just listening.  
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Albus, pull it together.” he muttered and pushed open the door.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote this a long time ago but since have neglected the writing of this fic. Let me know if you want more but at the moment I'm actually working on an exciting NEW albius fic! 
> 
> Constructive criticism is always great (and kudos is nice too).

**Author's Note:**

> I really wish I could put more Rose puns in.
> 
> Any feedback is appreciated :)


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